There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
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I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
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The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
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