It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
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