3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
Randomize
