I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
My RA just sigh me high as fuck acting like a zombie and scratching at my door. Thoughts?
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
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