Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
just survived the first fart of the relationship.
it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
just because the DWI class is located at the University does not make him a professor. I was duped, he is in no way, shape or form a professor!
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Randomize
