After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
Does Jim keep sending you pics of him in drag too???? If so, are you also slightly uncomfortable?
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
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