GM filed for bankruptcy, all the dealerships closed, and it's june and I'm in jeans and a sweatshirt and I'm cold. What is the point of living in this state anymore?
i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
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