I feel like abortions should bother me more
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
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