Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
Can we talk about the cons of throwing up in the bathtub. there are no pros.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
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