he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
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