I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
Is drinking merlot and watching womens figure skating by myself gay?
Yeah like at least with a penis what you see is what you get with a vagina there can always be a surprise inside
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
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