guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
Yeah, i don't remember peeing. or meeting the girl.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
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