i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
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