he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD