Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
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