I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
theyre selling pepper spray in the courtyard. hellooo atl
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
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