P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
We just made a drinking game out of our chemistry review. This might explain my chemistry grade.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
Randomize
