evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
they night at the roxbarryed us. came out of nowhere,bought us shots, and then the big one licked my hand? we got out of that noise.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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