my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Its against the rules to not make you aware of his virgin situation prior to penetration
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
Cant really say how it happened but i woke up in the middle of the night and somehow pissed all over connors dad
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
we had sex while we waited for the thai food... a which will come first type of situation
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