how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just found a bag of teeth...
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
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