i finally understand why guys leave in the middle of the night.......they got it right
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
Randomize
