everytime he calls himself the maxipad master i can't help but wonder what costume that would involve.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
Randomize
