Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
Alive.
So much puke
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
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