Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
she's traveling up the coast with her camera and a stash of pot cookies eating food from different campuses. said she slept in a closet 2 states away last nite... of course I'm interested
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
Randomize
