She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
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