Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
ha so i just found a picture of you eating paper towels and many of Laura freaking out from it.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
Randomize
