I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
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