if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Randomize
