Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
We're doing a case race on Saturday.
I'm in. I'm currently drinking a beer in the bathtub so I guess I can consider this "practice" and not just "alcoholism"
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
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