he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
