he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
I know I'm not learning anything when I can't even spell the name of the class I'm taking
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
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