sometimes i wish i had a whole other life to spend on youtube
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
Drunk walkin through police station. America
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
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