the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
Randomize
