I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
Thank you for FINALLY joining the Slutasorus Rex club in this conversation.
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
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