don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
I got woken up by a construction worker, turns out I was laying in a hallway, naked and wrapped in a matress pad. To answer your question no, I did not study for this test I got David Hasselhoff drunk
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
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