I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
Hey do you or anyone you know want to get drunk for free? At 4pm tonight at rctc for field sobriety training for future cops
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Randomize
