i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
Randomize
