I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
