so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
Let's paint friendship bongs
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
I'm in the room..It's full of lost souls and sadness. I can taste the salt of their tears. This final might take a few freshman today..
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
