y did u give ur computer a hand job?
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
See, thats where im at with my life, welcome to the slut yaht we will be cruising comfortably all summer at an extremely drunken relaxing pace S.S. Slut Bucket
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize
