I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
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I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
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It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
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