Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
Randomize
