I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
Randomize
