My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
you kept talking about how hot andy milinakis is and the things you would do with him. no more tequila from him.
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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