I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
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