I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
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