woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
Randomize
