big game today.. looking forward to seeing that magic win, and then i will celebrate with a nude dip in lake Eola.. anyone else in??
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
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