There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
When are your genitals available?
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Randomize
