Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
Randomize
