I got chris browned last night
I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
