Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
She says ass holes are for stuffing, the verb, not stuffing, the noun.
hows the new call of duty?
I only had sex with the game case so far, but that part was awesome.
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
Randomize
