I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
Also, I've sobered up around 5am, in Delaware. I remember making this decision, and highly regret it now.
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
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