My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
well you're talking to a woman who had glorious sex less than 24 hrs ago so my opinion is biased.
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
Randomize
