i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
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