My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
Randomize
