i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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