I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
