if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
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